Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Best Doctor You Could Ever Hope For
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend the life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of fruity bits so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain a whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Did you have a Happy New Year? Did you plan to start a diet? A new exercise program? You can thank me anytime for this thoughtful advice that, if followed, may save you a lot of time and ease your pain at the feeding trough.